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consent of course)." Debbie prides herself on being a 'loving dominant'. She considers each of her subs as a gift to be treasured. She says each individual is unique and special, and it is her task - and joy - to train, torment, punish and praise them. She says it's about building them up rather than tearing them down. " Iwant to help them develop, to grow within service to me, and become the best slave, toy, pet or sub they can be. In this way, they become more valuable and much more prized."
She admits other doms (males) and dommes (females) will have different ways of operating within the lifestyle. But says that so long as it is consensual or safe, she won't judge what others do. However, she says that there are people who pretend they are 'lifestylers' to take advantage of subs. This can cause safety issues and emotionally scar the sub.
"In my mind, when someone submits to me, what they are really doing is taking all that they are - their body, mind, personal power, physical and mental self - and placing it on a silver platter and offering it to me. they get down on bended knee, bow their head and offer themselves. In return, I take their gift and offer them a time of peace (which could last between 20 and two days). Sometimes it can be their release for the week, some people go for a run, others may swim, well, some people want to serve and be submissive. When they serve me they have nothing to worry about. I see to their needs and wellbeing, safety and happiness. Naturally within the context of BDSM, this takes on a vastly different meaning than in the vanilla world," says Debbie.
"However, never, ever, will I push further than a person wants to go, do damage they cannot recover from or deliberately harm them. If they are experienced I may push their limits, if they want this, but if nervous and new, I may hold their hand and lead them gently."
'Safe words' are used to protect participants. Most commonly used are 'green' (it's all good, I am fine), orange (it's okay but not much more) and 'red' (stop). "The recipient's responsibility is to be open and honest, to tell me their restrictions and to invoke their safe words should they ever need them. I treat them with kindess and require respect in return. What goes on beyond that is a constant discussion of dreams, desires, fears and boundaries. We build a bond of trust, without which one cannot play."
Debbie heads up the South Australian chapter of Consensual Lifestyles Association (CLA), which was created in most states to provide safe and easy information for anyone wanting to explore a lifestyLe whether it be gay, lesbian, cross-dressing or BDSM. The South Australian chapter is the only one still in operation and has strong support. It has a small library and training DVDs for loan. 		She says while the scene is perceived as seedy, it's not. And says this perception needs to be broken down through education. "We must remember that BDSM is not about abuse, which is when someone uses fear to control their partner. A common phrase in the community is safe, sane and consensual. When the sub says 'no', it's 'NO'." And, in this age of HIV-AIDS and Hepatitis B, hygiene is paramount. "Every time I have a play session with someone, I disinfect everything that is used, and many things are disposable. "Needle play - temporary piercing with sterile needles placed on the body and removed when the play session is over - is an area where particular safe practices are used. Needles and alcohol wipes are supplied by the South Australian Voice for IV Education (SAVIVE) and all needles are disposed of in Sharps containers.
Even though sex isn't practised within the world of BDSM, there may be contact with blood, so Debbie undergoes regular tests. "I am the quality control here



as this is where and how I live, so I have very high standards." she says. This dominatrix is very open about her lifestyle and what people's reactions are when she tells them what she does. "At first people say 'you're a what?' I explain and they normally show a lot of interest and enthralment." The Lifestyle has impacted on Debbie's other relationships. Her eldest daughter doesn't accept her ways and her son is a little shy about it. "But they realise it's what Mum does and it makes her happy." However, she says none of her children will follow her into the lifestyle.
"Over the years it has made me a stronger person and enhanced my confidence. I am proud to walk out the door and know who I am, what I am doing and where I am going. It's nice to know I am part of a movement gaining in popularity and not shunned as it once was."
Judging how big the scene is in Adelaide is difficult. Debbie says she can't put a number on it but says it is definitely larger than what people think. "A lot of people like to keep silent about their involvement and

only play privately with friends for fear of being judged by workmates and family. Anyone can play and every type of person imaginable practises BDSM in Adelaide, from lawyers, doctors and judges to white and blue colLarworkers and housewives. It has been said between 5 and 10 per cent of the population indulges in dominance/submissive activities."
An SA-based group called SAMunch meets monthly and about 30 people attend. It's found throughout Australia and is so named because the first ever meeting was held in California during 1992 at a burger joint. It's a cross between a 'meet' and 'lunch', hence munch'. Other groups are also around but they aren't readily available to those out of the scene. Debbie believes that statistically Adelaide rates well on a national level and the venues cater adequately for the population. There are bigger venues and a greater number in other states. Devotees often travel interstate for a wider range and variety of play areas.
In Adelaide, local 'lifestylers' have parties in their homes at least once a month. About 80 people attend these parties. There are a few private places around South Australia that have a real dungeon set up in their house for personal and shared use. One of the biggest is also one of the newest and has opened within the city limits with eight themed rooms.
If Debbie has her way, this lifestyle will come out of the closet. In a world where, increasingly, anything, goes, she and others are standing tall and proud, and talking about the life they choose. Obviously, as with any fringe group, there will be a long road to acceptance from the mainstream society. But it begs the question what is normal? "What would happen if tried to deny myself this lifestyle? I would be miserable, depressed, and not living my life the way I was meant to," says Debbie. "To go to work the same way every day, eat lunch at the same time, have a coffee break at the same time every day... that's not me.


This article appeared in the April 2007 edition of the Adelaide Magazine.